


Tastes like Bacon

by Spurlunk



Category: One Direction (Band), Real Person Fiction
Genre: Cannibalism, Food, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Ice Age - Freeform, M/M, Sharing Body Heat, whimsical cannibalism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-15
Updated: 2014-01-15
Packaged: 2018-01-08 19:25:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1136469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spurlunk/pseuds/Spurlunk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Liam wakes up in an Ice Age where he must learn to make some difficult choices for his own survival.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tastes like Bacon

**Author's Note:**

> I do not condone cannibalism. This is a joke. I mean no harm or disrespect to anyone at all.

When Liam opened his eyes, he was lying on the cold hard ground. Everything around him was white, and he was disoriented for a moment. He sat up slowly, and realized that his head hurt. He was all alone. He was also freezing cold, his leather jacket wasn't enough to protect him from the chilly air that had his ears and nose already turning red. At least there was no wind. He stood up, the snow crunching beneath his sneakers. It hadn't snowed in months, where was he? Was Liam dreaming?

"Hello? Is anyone there?" he said. It was too quiet to yell. He looked all around him and saw nothing but white as far as he could see. He did seem to be on a little bit of a hill, though, so he decided to climb  to the top. It wasn't far, and once he got there, he could see something gray and smoking in the distance. Whether he was dreaming or not, he was too cold and uncomfortable to stay here. He felt in his pockets, but there was nothing there, not even his phone. He decided to walk towards the only spot of color against the expanse of white. At least if he kept moving he would stay warmer than if he stood in one place. He didn't want to get hypothermia and die of cold.

As Liam walked, for the first time in years he wished that he hadn't changed his hairstyle and still had the shaggy brown hair falling down over his face. At least that would keep his ears warm. He wanted to take his hands out of his pockets and cover his ears to warm them up, but then his fingers would be too cold. His nose was running, and he kept sniffing.

He came closer and closer to the object he had seen from far away. He was so tired. Liam's feet hurt and he knew that was a good sign, if he could still feel them that was better than not feeling them at all, but he just wanted to sit down and sleep for a while. He somehow managed to keep going by telling himself it was just a little farther, one step at a time - and then he realized that what he was seeing was a rocky outcropping, maybe even a cave, and the gray stuff in the sky was smoke. From a fire. There were distant figures huddled around it. Liam cleared his throat.

"Hey! Hey!" he yelled, his voice hoarse. They looked up, and then a couple of them stood, running towards him. Liam saw Louis and Zayn's faces, and thought he might be hallucinating. They each grabbed one of his arms and put it around their shoulders, helping him over to the fire at the mouth of the cave. Niall jumped on Liam and tackled him to the ground in a hug.

"Liam! You're alive! You're so cold," he said, leaning back a little. Liam pulled his hands out of his pockets and held them close to the fire, so that they almost felt like they were burning.

"Take it easy, yeah? It'll be okay." Louis said, gently pulling him a little away so he wouldn't catch on fire.

"We thought you were dead! We don't know what's going on, where we are - maybe it's Antarctica or something, we were exploring the cave back there and we found a lighter, and Zayn here figured out how to light a fire, genius that he is, Louis and Niall were absolutely no help - " Harry said, not pausing for breath. Liam coughed a couple of times and licked his chapped lips.

"How long have you all been here?" he asked.

"Dunno. Few hours? There's a passageway back there, in the cave, but nobody wants to explore it with me and I'm not going alone," Zayn said.

"We're going to stay right out here by the fire, not about to get murdered by some kind of icy ghost!" Niall said.

"What if there's food?" Louis challenged. Niall thought about this for a while. Liam stood up, getting more feeling back in his legs.

"I'll go with you, Zayn. Let's get a stick and use it as a torch, just in case," he suggested. It took a few tries to get their torch going, but then they told the others that if they didn't come back soon they should come after them. Niall gave them a look like yeah right, but Harry earnestly agreed.

Zayn led the way down the cave. It had a large opening, leading back to a more narrow hallway that got darker as they went.

"What if there's some chemical that could explode in here when it gets in contact with fire?" Zayn asked. Liam was holding the torch, and he didn't like Zayn's train of thought.

"Just keep going," he said. He felt so much better now that he wasn't alone. At least if he was stuck in a weird dream, he had his four bandmates with him. Well, now just one, but if he had to be stuck with anyone he'd probably pick Zayn anyway.

Liam had fallen behind, so he couldn't see what was going on when Zayn let out a high shriek. There was a yell and then a thump, and Liam started running towards the noise when he tripped and fell, dropping his torch. The fire caught onto a person in front of him, and Liam frantically tried to beat the flames off him before realizing it was too late.

"Zayn! Zayn! Where are you? Are you alright?" he called out. It was dark, all he could see was flickering and the smell of cooking meat. His stomach rumbled. Then he felt a hand on his leg, feeling up his side until it reached his shoulder. Liam held himself as still as he could.

"Yeah, it's me, I'm right here. I think - I think there's someone else in here. The fire - the smell - " he said, stuttering off. He grabbed Liam's hand, and they moved forward in unison, reaching for the still smoking object in front of them. They felt socked feet, and legs, and then reached up to the head.

"They're dead. Do you think we should leave him here?" Zayn asked.

"Are you hungry?"

"What?"

"I don't know how long we're going to be here, and he's our only source of food, and he's already cooked."

"LIAM!" Zayn exclaimed, shocked at his friend for even suggesting such a thing.

"Help me drag him back outside." Liam said. He was glad it was too dark for either of them to see the expression on each other's faces. Zayn thankfully didn't protest further, grabbing ahold of one foot as Liam took the other. They dragged the body back out the way they'd come, and dumped him in the snow by the fire. The other three boys jumped up in surprise when they saw what Liam and Zayn had found.

"Is that - Raymond? The man from that TV show my dad likes to watch?" Louis said. Liam blinked in the sunlight. It was blinding, with nothing but white snow for it to reflect off of. It was hard to adjust from the darkness of the cave.

"The Everybody Loves Raymond Show?" Harry said, coming closer to examine the body. Liam was cold, and he moved closer to Zayn as they sat near the fire. Zayn put his arm around him as they shared body heat. Niall and Harry were busy investigating the body.

"Did you cook him?" Niall asked, poking him with his foot.

"I dropped the torch." Liam said.

"He smells a bit like bacon," Harry said, sniffing appreciatively.

"You're not seriously thinking about eating him, are you, Harry?" Zayn said. Liam hid his face in the collar of his jacket in shame. He knew the look Zayn was giving Harry, it was the same one he'd given him when he'd eaten the orange he'd found in the lift at the awards show and the same one he'd given him when he'd tried to eat the muffin someone had thrown on stage at the concert. Liam didn't like the idea of being the subject of Zayn's judgmental look, not when they were basically cuddling up against each other in front of a hot fire.

"We don't have any other food, this once I think Harry's got the right idea." Louis said.

"I'm going first." Niall said, flipping Ray Romano's body over and pulling off his pants.

"Are you gonna eat his bum?" Zayn asked, turning around to watch. His curiosity had gotten the better of him. This forced Liam to turn around as well, if he wanted to stay in his friend's embrace.

"Do any of you have a pocketknife or something?" Niall asked. Louis poked around the fire until he found a sharp stick. He beat off the sparks and handed it to Niall, who parted the butt flesh, which had charred black, to get to the properly cooked meatier parts beneath. He pulled off a piece and put it in his mouth, chewing experimentally.

"It's not bad. Tastes like - "

"If you say chicken I'm gonna hit you, Niall," Liam said.

"I was saying, tastes like ham a bit." Niall said, giving Liam a glare. Once Niall had started, Harry and Louis felt comfortable enough to follow. Zayn didn't want to, but Liam coaxed him into it, reasoning that Ray Romano was already dead, and they would starve if they didn't eat anything. Plus, with his face on the ground and his butt in the air, clothes off (Niall, who had been only wearing a thin T-shirt, took the jacket and put it on himself), he looked less like a person, though still recognizable if you stared closely. Liam tried not to.

Full and warm, they were much happier at being stuck in the middle of an Ice Age than they had been before, though nobody had any clue how they'd gotten here or how they were getting home.

"We were on a plane, do you remember?" Liam asked Zayn, who'd fallen asleep on his chest. Zayn murmured something and opened his eyes halfway.

"I fell asleep."

"On the plane, yeah. D'you think we crashed somewhere?"

"If we'd crashed wouldn't we be in the ocean? And if we did, where's the plane?"

"I dunno."

"Sleep, Liam," Zayn said, and Liam leaned back, shutting his eyes. It seemed like he'd been asleep for only a few seconds when he heard the whirring of a helicopter overhead, and awoke with a start, causing Zayn's head to thunk against the snow.

"Ow!" he yelped, rubbing his head as he sat up. Harry and Louis were on the other side of the fire, limbs entangled, and Niall had fallen asleep by the corpse, now mostly picked clean. Liam stood up and yelled, jumping up and down and waving his arms to get the helicopter's attention. He didn't know if he succeeded, but he definitely got the others to wake up and join him, and then the helicopter turned back and started coming down.

"We're saved!" Harry yelled, grabbing Louis in a hug and whirling him around. He stumbled over Niall and the three of them fell down in the snow.

"Idiots." Zayn said. Liam nudged him, laughing.

"As if you're any better."

"I have dignity," Zayn said.

"So dignified."

"Shut up."

The rest of their argument was lost in the noise of the chopper blades, and when the door opened, a woman with dark curly hair came out, beckoning them near.

"I was here on a search mission for my good friend Ray Romano, he's gone missing! Have you seen him?" she asked in a nasal tone.

The boys all exchanged glances.

"No. But since you're here, will you take us somewhere not so cold?"

"Not a problem! Come on in. I'm Fran, and you are?"

"Fran like Fran from - " Niall started, but Liam kicked him and he shut up. Now was not the time. Liam wanted to know how the dream was going to end.

"Harry, Liam, Niall, Louis, and I'm Zayn. Nice to meet you," he said, and the boys climbed inside. Their ordeal was over at last, and Liam could finally wake up. He was drooling on Zayn's shoulder.


End file.
